I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
