he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
