Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
