just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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