Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
