My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
