I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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