I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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