Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
