Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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