I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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