I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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