Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
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