Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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