lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
