You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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