you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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