i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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