I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
