Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
