Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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