is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
my shit smells like andre
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
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