My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
MIDGETS
????
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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