Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
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