you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
