I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
