after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
