why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
