Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
