If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
