My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize