After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
