I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
