david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
