I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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