Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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