I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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