Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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