Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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