where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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