note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize