Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Just fell off a train. Bad.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
