I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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