I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
