you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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