my sisters under your porch take her home
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
