Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
