Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
