So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I didn't notice because vodka
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Randomize
