My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I have so many feelings about this burrito
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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