how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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