you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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