this beer tastes like vomit already
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
