in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
