My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
