I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
