Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
